Facing Your Fears...

*We have all been training ourselves out of the fear zone and into the I-Can-Do-This zone.  

The other day I was doing a swim workout and there were a couple high school kids next to me. I was chatting with one of them as we both would take a rest at the wall. He was working out because he wanted to pass the water test for entry into the Navy and he wasn't an accomplished swimmer.

As the workout progressed two more kids, whom I presume to know the kid I was talking to, started giving him a little bit of a hard time about his swim training.  After listening to the two other kids using the F-word a record number of times in a sentence, I slid over my lane line and into my friend's lane.  I looked at the two boys in the lane next to him and calmly said, "You two seem to be giving my friend here a hard time, what's up?"

I'm not an intimidating guy, nor do I pride myself on intimidating high school bullies, but I was genuinely questioning these two kids as to their reasoning for giving the other kid such a hard time and polluting the friendly pool environment with cursing that would make a sailor blush (pun intended). All the Navy kid was trying to do was get better and prepare for a goal.

The two kids seemed shocked when I spoke to them, maybe it was the fact that they both now had, with their profanity laced ribbing, my attention, or maybe it was the non-sophomore-muscled kid (me) asking them what was up, but they both muttered something about "just joking" and got really quiet.  I politely asked them if they wouldn't mind bumping down a few lanes, which they did without protest.

I gave my Navy friend a high-five, and said, "Just do you man, let's get back to work," and slipped back into my lane.  Neither of us heard another word from the two mouthy kids for the rest of the workout, it was nice.  It reminded me of one of my favorite memories from when I was younger.

When I was in Jr. high there was a kid who, in a word, was a bully.  He was a tough kid, pretty scrappy, beat up a few people on the play ground, and was generally feared by the entire class.  When he would walk down the halls people were careful not to step out of line for fear of his wrath.  I generally just kept my distance from him, but for whatever reason he was giving me a hard time one day.  I remember being slightly intimidated, frustrated, and flustered with a mixing of fear and fight.  I think we have all had that feeling, and it sucks.

This is one of my best kid-stories because for a brief period he joined the wrestling team.  He was one weight class above me, and at one of the Saturday meets I got my chance to wrestle him.  I remember lighting up inside thinking that I finally get to face this bully.  I was scared, but I was also motivated, I was sick of this kid tormenting me and seeing him torment others in my class.

He was a tough kid, but when we got on the wrestling mat I was not scared. I have always been a baby-face (still am) but they call me "Ferocious Brosious" for a reason. :)  I remember thinking "this is your chance!"  There is something about facing your fears that is both terrifying and inspiring in a twisted combination.

The referee blew the whistle to start the match, we circled around a bit before he shot in for a double leg takedown. Just like a bully he was going right after me trying to over-power me. He grabbed my leg and I could feel his strength, I under-hooked his left arm with my right, and with all my 8th grade strength I flung him sideways and we tumbled out of bounds.  I sprang up super charged, and ran back to the center of the mat.  We started again, tussled, and I decided to bring the fight to him and I shot in on great single leg takedown slamming him on his side for two points.

Every ounce of frustration was coursing through my veins thinking about wrestling this bully.  I honestly think this was the first time that anyone had opposed the will of this kid, the more I "stood up to him" on the wrestling mat, the weaker he became, I could feel it like his strength draining out of him as he learned that he had messed with the wrong person for the past month. I rode him out for the rest of the period refusing to let up any pressure.

The second period started, I remember thinking "Let's turn it up, keep the pressure on him, he'll fold."  I heard my dad just before the action picked up, he yelled, "Put it on him now."  We circled again and pulled on each other, neither giving an inch.  He shot in for a takedown and I hit one of the best chin-rip sprawls I've ever done, over powered him, and ripped him right to his back.  I followed him down and held him there.  I felt his power drain as my legs laced over his and my clenched muscles tightened to hold him on his back.  He fought hard, briefly. I held with all my strength.  He let out a "uhhhhh" and I knew he was done, quitting.  The referee signaled the pin and I remember being so relieved with what I had just done.

It was surprisingly easy...

The hard part was standing up to him in the first place...

I haven't seen that kid in 8 years, and I'm sure he turned out just fine, but for the 4.5 years of school we had together after that match, I never had a single problem with him.  I didn't bully him back or rub it in, I just left it and we never had another problem. I was actually invited to one of his birthday parties a few years later.  :)

My build up for the CDA swim meet stirred up these long forgotten anxieties and fears of bullies.  My two favorite swimming events are the 400 individual medley (IM) and the 200 butterfly.  Both are super hard events. I have been scared of how hard the 200 fly and 400IM are this year and have not swam them in competition in 2013.  The next meet will be insanely difficult because those events come at the end of a one-day meet, and they are separated only by a few minutes, and I will be swimming them both.  That means I have to swim a full program, and finish the day with those two nearly back to back.  The thought turns my stomach at times because those events are so hard that even finishing them is a challenge.

I have lost sleep thinking about how hard it will be, how my arms lock up during 200 grueling meters of butterfly, and then having to swim the 400IM.  But, you know what, I love that feeling. I live for it.  I train to overcome it.  Acknowledging that feeling, and succeeding in spite of it is what I do. That is why I train, and that is why I race.

I won't lie...I am scared.  I am not ashamed to say this. There will be a lot of people there watching me and to not finish those will be devastating to me.  It will take everything I have to succeed.

That fear has allowed me to focus my efforts for the past two months as I have ridden one of the my best training phases in my whole life.  That fear has been with me, I think about the difficulty of those events every day.  To prepare, I have been challenging myself with longer IM sets, 200 fly-to-400IM combos, and 400IM repeats.

The scary part is there are some days in which I simply can't do it.  My arms won't move and my legs won't kick.  The comforting part is the suffering now will pay off in a mere 2 weeks when I collect the reward.  In 2020 I am going to look back on this and remember the focused assault that I put into this anxiety filled challenge.  I will do my best to topple this bully. That is what dreams are made of and I am super excited.

Just the other day, I roped Ayla into a challenge-workout.  She is testing herself at the meet by swimming her first 200 individual medley so we both did 5 consecutive sets of our IM distance. She did 5 by 200IM and I did 5 by 400IM.  We did them on the 10 minute mark.  To start each set we high-fived each other before a dive start.  We both completed our tests, it was incredibly hard, and it feels amazing.  This is what it takes.

Much like that 8th grade bully in the wrestling match, the hard part of the swim challenge is facing the fear, of which I have been doing for the past two months.  I will be ready and I am confident in hoping that this next swim meet will be one of my favorite big-kid stories.

The theme song for our swim meet is Fall Out Boy's "My songs Know...(Light 'em Up)"  We all intend to go in with an attitude not of fear, but an attitude of attack, an attitude to face our fears and Light 'em Up.  That is powerful stuff that many people will never understand. When someone asks why I am training so hard for this meet, I think to myself, "This is what I do. Period. And I love it."  

What fears are you ready to face?