The Big Secret...

Most of you know that I have a big event coming up the end of this month. Personally, I have a lot riding on this upcoming race. I always want to do well, but this triathlon has a little added extra personal challenge... I figured it fitting, and completely within my own rights, to prepare my body and mind in the way that will serve me best. Trying to get back into triathlon form in 8 weeks is not a "ohh-hum" type of task, I am reverting back to what got me here. The training as of this moment will remain undisclosed for various reasons.

However, I will disclose (post mission) a little thing called "Operation Brodacious." Operation Brodacious was my one time to test my limits, and answer the question that has plagued me for six months..."Do I still have what it takes?" I wanted to race, but found it in my best interest to race under an alias, Sir Brodacious Bry.

I figured being a test event I was there to simply do that, test. I didn't have the pressure of answering questions, finishing well, or having my competitors perform any type of recon since very few know who the heck Sir Brodacious is...this was G-14 Classified. Three people knew of the mission, one subsequently disclosed and is now on notice, potentially being court marshalled... I don't feel bad for not disclosing, I decided that I was committing to returning to triathlon, no big return proclamations necessary.

After all, a very wise scholar once said, "when challenged a triathlete does what it takes, there's no explanation or justification needed." Probably should mention that the "scholar" was me...and I just made that up. ha ha As for the race, not bad at all. Much exceeded my own expectations, deep down I know I still have what it takes.

Competition has always been important, it's nice to feel the pressure and thrill of it again, I'm an Aries after all. The race served as a nice test leading up to the big official return. I was debating divulging splits...for competition purposes mystery is always nice. However, I will disclose, it doesn't matter who reads this, it is what it is. It will all sort itself out very soon.

Going into the swim I was a little unsure. I have been swimming for 6 weeks after taking 6 months off. I have swam a 14 minute 1000 yards a few times, not impressive based on previous times. I was placed in the last heat with some ridiculous 500 times, like a 5:10 estimate...nothing like coming out the swim a minute and a half down. I wasn't worried, the super fast swimmers and usually just that...swimmers, not triathletes.

I kept a lookout for the fastest swimmers two lanes over, by lap 5 they had at least 20 yards on me. Not all bad though, I came out of the pool ahead of a few, about a minute or a little more to the leaders, with a split of 6:37. I had a great transition and scuffed off a few seconds on the leaders.

I fly'n mounted my P3 for the first time and put the fire to the pedals. Within a mile and a half I had caught the leaders, I was riding super confident because I could tell they were not going to be able to ride with me. I rode super hard the whole race, much harder than I ever have. I tried to calm down but I was so thrilled to be back racing and riding that I couldn't contain myself. There was one long hill near the turn around that threatened my redline a little, but still wasn't enough to make me ride like I knew I should, too much fun. I stayed in the aero position through the corners, minimizing head and torso movement until I hit T2. I came in and left smooth, felt good. I was very happy with my ride, I average over 23 mph with a big hill, should be fast enough to save total embarrassment later this month. :)

I left on the run and figured I wasn't going to control what was going to happen, I haven't been running, I had run 15 minutes as a long run. I couldn't afford to risk another knee injury or shin splint etc by going volume crazy. So I didn't. This 5k would be my longest run since 2008. I was pleasantly surprised with my turnover, foot strike, and leg recovery. I hit mile one thinking, "I will blow up, I can't sustain this." Mile two, same thing no problems at all. I was pretty happy to be running again without injury, and racing. "This comeback might actually materialize and play out. Mile three, still no problems, had a hard finish and felt very winded, but not totally thrashed.

"Did that just happen?" I was very satisfied with my 5k split (20:25) after riding like maniac with no self-control. I finished well overall, won by about 100 seconds over my fast friend Adam. On top of that, for winning, I received two free round trip tickets on Alaskan Airlines...not bad. More importantly I proved a lot of things to myself in the process. I know that the alternative training I have been doing (topic for another post) contributed to where I am physically. I faced some seriously low times with the knee injury (and return of it) but I beat it. I faced it and beat it...again. The race should be fun...who's up for a showdown?

I Am Sir Brodacious Bry...

Operation Brodacious:
-Mission Status: Complete, total victory.

More to come...

So What Is The Problem?

I'm always intrigued when I look at my race pictures. When I look at the photos I see what others see, the exterior. I however, have the insight and memory of what I was thinking, feeling, and going through at the moment the image was frozen. For the most part I do a very good job of masking, with a calm exterior, the rough waters that I tread periodically. By just looking at the picture, you wouldn't know much of what I was thinking or feeling. Okay maybe if you are a really good runner you would guess that my leg(s) are probably cramping as the photo shows my stride is ridiculously short and turning over a very inefficient cadence.

  In all honesty, I (nor most athletes) are the true image they portray. For the most part we all have a facade that conveys, calmness, efficiency, strength etc to those watching us. The fact is I am not not always indestructable inside. I, like everyone else, have fears and insecurities that are masked by my alter (fearless portraying) ego. It sounds weird but one thing I do is I attempt to create emotional detachment when I am racing or exercising by hiding my eyes.

My eyes usually show how I am feeling and I don't like having to avoid eye contact when I am racing. I usually wear sunglasses, even when it is not sunny, so that my eyes remain shielded obtaining a little bit of perceived detachment. If you look closely in the picture above you'll see ear plugs in my ears. Cold water gives me headaches so I wear plugs in open water and usually ditch 'em on the bike.

This however "wasn't my day" so I left them in the whole race. I avoided anyone seeing my eyes as well as hearing any of the crowd, my own little (silent) world if you will. I think I do a very good job of hiding all the fears and insecurities through my appearance and actions. Let's face it, I want to be good enough to be taken seriously, good enough to be sponsored, good enough to win, and good enough to be a role model, people don't want to see anyone in those criteria act insecurely. People want role models that "man up." Which is usually what I force myself to do at the races. "Keep your mouth shut, music in your ears and your sunglasses on, and man up."

I debated writing this post, but in light of my most recent tasks of coming back to racing, I found it fitting. I will be honest, I am scared about the race May 30. I have insecurities that I have been built up into this "triathlete" in the eye's of certain people and my level of fitness won't deliver, insecurities about racing too soon and being beaten by people that I wouldn't otherwise be. I have fear that my entourage will label my merits as a triathlete as a "a joke," "disappointing," or "over-hyped," generally associating the "out of shape" me that will be tossed into racing after being hurt all spring.

I am asking for a very demanding task of my body, get race fit in 6 weeks, most people can't do that, I have insecurities that I can't either. I fear that things won't materialize and that my body (literally) won't be able to cash the checks I have written leading up to the race, and there is always insecurities with times when you put yourself in stressful situations. I worry about the thought of my name being 10+ names down the list and people thinking that is my best. I am better than that, and quite frankly, I know a lot of people that I don't want to EVER beat me or be listed ahead of me.

My sunglasses and Hammer Gel visor usually mask my insecurities, but that fear is actually beneficial. It is that fear, fear of being embarrassed, losing etc, that makes me ride my bike into a rain storm instead of turning for home. It is that fear that gets me out of bed at 5 am or keeps me riding my bike long after the fun and comfort are gone. It is that fear that makes me swim alone in open water, the fear of failure shadows any fear of bodies of water. It is that exact fear that grinds out the last lactate interval when all I want to do is quit. It is that fear that is going to take me through the last 30 days until the race nutritionally PERFECT. I want that fear now, during training. The whole thing may be "just a race," and on the grand scale Bryan the triathlete doesn't really matter to 99.9% of the world, but to me, this stuff is big, it's what I do.

Fear has always "driven" me to the start line ready. Come race day, if that fear is still there it means two things: 1. I didn't train diligently or efficiently enough causing doubt in my preparation, and 2 .that I am burning and wasting precious energy on the one aspect that is in my head, not in my muscles. Come race day, no matter what I am actually feeling, I will again portray myself as the confident, calm, efficient person that I always do. NO ONE will see any hint of self doubt or insecurity, just like always. I will again hold off the fear until the swim start. The swim start brings the comfort and finality of being the time to tell your fear to "shut up," because your body will now be doing the "putting up."

It's the emotions that make the challenge and satisfaction of anything, the conquering of doubt that builds you up and allows you to be the best you can. On my next long bike, as I run through my list of insecurities, I need to ask myself, "So what exactly is the problem!?" In fact, there is no problem with being a little scared, and having fear, because in the end it is that fear that will be used to fuel the fire that will absolutely incinerate every bit of my self doubt, one crank revolution and pedal turnover at a time.

Oh Yeah, Now I Remember...

I'm always amazed at how quickly I forget seemingly imperative, critical lessons. After a stint away from triathlon, I had forgotten the most important thing I have ever gained from swimming, biking, and running. I was fortunate enough to be reintroduced to why it is that I do whatever it is I want to do... Some people "ride to live" others "live to ride." I subscribe to the latter.

I love the internal struggle that rages between my mind and body when I am riding on the edge, the edge of fatigue, pain, and suffering. I love (and hate) to enter the "chamber" where a fierce fight of reason versus muscle power rages, a place where breathing becomes sounds of painful anguish and muscles burn with an insurmountable amount of accumulating "H" ions.

I have learned more about myself while riding my bike than any other situation. I have seen my inner strengths on long rides, races, and steep climbs, moments in which my muscles were conveying "stop this hurts, we can't hold this edge anymore," but my mind countered with, "shut your mouth and keep pedaling, we're in the chamber now and you'll listen to me."

It is on my bike that I have met with a version of me I hardly ever see, a version that is 100% fight (vs flight). A version that does not listen to reason, a version that has no doubt in my ability to do what I am about to do, a version that harbors no inhibition to simply let the pace rip and see who's left at the end" (doesn't always work, I've self detonated dozens of times doing it, and no matter how fast I ride someone will always ride faster, but it can pay off big)

I crave the feeling of taking race elements (racers, hills, wind, rough road) as direct personal slights to me. Personal slights that fuel a feeling to creep all the way up on my saddle and channel every ounce of frustration I have ever felt into my bike's crank arms. Every ounce of effort comes out in circular crank turning bursts of a precisely controlled bleed-off of animalistic simplicity...the race waits for no one, get on the pace or get the F outta the way.

I have also met weakness and self doubt in similar situations. Times when I was on the verge, the verge of dropping off the effort or staying in the fight. Backing off the pain subsides but shame awaits. I have been there many times, times when the only thing in my body is the feeling of, "I can't do it..." Times when for whatever reason (flat tires, running off course, wrong turns, knee injuries) I have had success and opportunities taken away in exchange for a general feeling of being robbed, cheated, and entirely too pissed off with triathlon. Triathlon probably wouldn't be what is if it were easy.

Everyone deals with some sort of adversity, it's not a matter of "if" something happens but more so "when and how you deal with it." I was reminded of this through the knee injury, and today as my P3's chain snapped on a climb. Was I mad...you're damn right I was mad! It was this that reminded me of the most important lesson I have ever learned...no matter what happens in training (or the races) it's always better than a "normal" person's day of unchallenged, trans fat filled, comfort-zone existence, a day (of agony or victory) on the bike is a day on the bike. Period.

I Like The New Me...

I have lost contact with the version of me that I was last year at this time. I am a fraction of athlete I was in 2008. In fact, last year if an item did not fit into the list below (swim, bike, run), I frankly did not care about it.

I often catch myself reliving what I was doing in 2008 as far as races and everything. When I look back (with my current perspective) on the way I lived and trained last year it is quite entertaining. I'm always thinking, "I can't believe I did that!" Last summer, I would get up ridiculously early, like 4:30 early so that I could get my run in.

I won't ever forget getting up early on weekend mornings to go ride 100+ miles around the lake, literally spending all day on my bike. Every time I rode around the lake it was like riding in a dream world, smooth road, big hills, flats where I could open up the throttle and let it rip, no cars, green fields, blue water, and sun It was on those days that my day was reduced to simplicity; ride, eat, drink, sleep. On some days I would commute via my triathlon bike the 30 miles one way to work, roll into the audit office in full cycling regalia and be like, "hey." You should have seen the looks...they didn't get it, obviously.

I remember everyday I would be so tired from my schedule that mowing the grass would seem like an insurmountable physical challenge. I would return from my long ride or run and plant my self on the couch, fading in and out of consciousness due to fatigue. I loved that lifestyle at the time though. That seemed normal then. It also seemed normal when I would go open water swimming in Lake Canyon Ferry by myself, before the sun came up. That task would strike paralyzing fear in most people, thinking back my skin crawls with an erie feeling of being completely alone in semi darkness in a huge (20+ mile long) body of water. But at the time I rationalized it as being "what I had to do to win." I didn't over think it, "OMG I'm in 400 feet of water, alone!" I just did it, and loved it. I actually draw a lot of personal strength from things like that.

Bottom line, If I wasn't...

Swimming:




or cycling:




or running:

or sleeping....or thinking about racing...I was totally indifferent. This year, however, is different. I have pursued many new interests and have had more non athletic type fun, after all I have a lot more free time.

Actually, I have had an incredible spring so far, despite not continuously living the usual suspects; swim, bike, run. I am having so much fun in other aspects and areas that are usually less priorities. Like school, I am enjoying my last semester in graduate school, and the upcoming CPA prep, I love that stuff.

I have been hanging out with friends, and even going out to eat. Just last week I had a few meals that I normally wouldn't, I am having some birthday cake tomorrow, and I am so going to enjoy it. Yum! I don't feel bad at all about it. Don't get me wrong I am not abusing my body in any fashion with excess, in fact, cardiovascular wise I may not be where I was last year, but in general overall health I am in much better physical shape. I have been very diligent despite not training triathlon.

Annnnd...I met some incredible people, you know who you are ;) that are so much fun to talk with. I am looking forward to spending more time with those people. I like the current balance that I have achieved. I have started training, carefully, for a few short races. While I may be a different (more matured) person that the 2008 version, I still have that drive to get back into training. However, I will definitely keep my current balance and personal progress of the past adventure... PS I can't wait to reconnect with my "summer (triathlon circuit) friends." Start the countdown.

Pictured Below: Evan "sir excellent" Eck (I gave him that nickname) was 50% of Team Brosious-Eck, a team that was traveling almost every weekend last summer. It was a heck of a year when I look back. Pack, travel, race, repeat. Satisfyingly simple. Fear not my friend, I will return, again, and we will pillage the award ceremonies once again.