So What Is The Problem?

I'm always intrigued when I look at my race pictures. When I look at the photos I see what others see, the exterior. I however, have the insight and memory of what I was thinking, feeling, and going through at the moment the image was frozen. For the most part I do a very good job of masking, with a calm exterior, the rough waters that I tread periodically. By just looking at the picture, you wouldn't know much of what I was thinking or feeling. Okay maybe if you are a really good runner you would guess that my leg(s) are probably cramping as the photo shows my stride is ridiculously short and turning over a very inefficient cadence.

  In all honesty, I (nor most athletes) are the true image they portray. For the most part we all have a facade that conveys, calmness, efficiency, strength etc to those watching us. The fact is I am not not always indestructable inside. I, like everyone else, have fears and insecurities that are masked by my alter (fearless portraying) ego. It sounds weird but one thing I do is I attempt to create emotional detachment when I am racing or exercising by hiding my eyes.

My eyes usually show how I am feeling and I don't like having to avoid eye contact when I am racing. I usually wear sunglasses, even when it is not sunny, so that my eyes remain shielded obtaining a little bit of perceived detachment. If you look closely in the picture above you'll see ear plugs in my ears. Cold water gives me headaches so I wear plugs in open water and usually ditch 'em on the bike.

This however "wasn't my day" so I left them in the whole race. I avoided anyone seeing my eyes as well as hearing any of the crowd, my own little (silent) world if you will. I think I do a very good job of hiding all the fears and insecurities through my appearance and actions. Let's face it, I want to be good enough to be taken seriously, good enough to be sponsored, good enough to win, and good enough to be a role model, people don't want to see anyone in those criteria act insecurely. People want role models that "man up." Which is usually what I force myself to do at the races. "Keep your mouth shut, music in your ears and your sunglasses on, and man up."

I debated writing this post, but in light of my most recent tasks of coming back to racing, I found it fitting. I will be honest, I am scared about the race May 30. I have insecurities that I have been built up into this "triathlete" in the eye's of certain people and my level of fitness won't deliver, insecurities about racing too soon and being beaten by people that I wouldn't otherwise be. I have fear that my entourage will label my merits as a triathlete as a "a joke," "disappointing," or "over-hyped," generally associating the "out of shape" me that will be tossed into racing after being hurt all spring.

I am asking for a very demanding task of my body, get race fit in 6 weeks, most people can't do that, I have insecurities that I can't either. I fear that things won't materialize and that my body (literally) won't be able to cash the checks I have written leading up to the race, and there is always insecurities with times when you put yourself in stressful situations. I worry about the thought of my name being 10+ names down the list and people thinking that is my best. I am better than that, and quite frankly, I know a lot of people that I don't want to EVER beat me or be listed ahead of me.

My sunglasses and Hammer Gel visor usually mask my insecurities, but that fear is actually beneficial. It is that fear, fear of being embarrassed, losing etc, that makes me ride my bike into a rain storm instead of turning for home. It is that fear that gets me out of bed at 5 am or keeps me riding my bike long after the fun and comfort are gone. It is that fear that makes me swim alone in open water, the fear of failure shadows any fear of bodies of water. It is that exact fear that grinds out the last lactate interval when all I want to do is quit. It is that fear that is going to take me through the last 30 days until the race nutritionally PERFECT. I want that fear now, during training. The whole thing may be "just a race," and on the grand scale Bryan the triathlete doesn't really matter to 99.9% of the world, but to me, this stuff is big, it's what I do.

Fear has always "driven" me to the start line ready. Come race day, if that fear is still there it means two things: 1. I didn't train diligently or efficiently enough causing doubt in my preparation, and 2 .that I am burning and wasting precious energy on the one aspect that is in my head, not in my muscles. Come race day, no matter what I am actually feeling, I will again portray myself as the confident, calm, efficient person that I always do. NO ONE will see any hint of self doubt or insecurity, just like always. I will again hold off the fear until the swim start. The swim start brings the comfort and finality of being the time to tell your fear to "shut up," because your body will now be doing the "putting up."

It's the emotions that make the challenge and satisfaction of anything, the conquering of doubt that builds you up and allows you to be the best you can. On my next long bike, as I run through my list of insecurities, I need to ask myself, "So what exactly is the problem!?" In fact, there is no problem with being a little scared, and having fear, because in the end it is that fear that will be used to fuel the fire that will absolutely incinerate every bit of my self doubt, one crank revolution and pedal turnover at a time.