So What Is The Problem?

I'm always intrigued when I look at my race pictures. When I look at the photos I see what others see, the exterior. I however, have the insight and memory of what I was thinking, feeling, and going through at the moment the image was frozen. For the most part I do a very good job of masking, with a calm exterior, the rough waters that I tread periodically. By just looking at the picture, you wouldn't know much of what I was thinking or feeling. Okay maybe if you are a really good runner you would guess that my leg(s) are probably cramping as the photo shows my stride is ridiculously short and turning over a very inefficient cadence.

  In all honesty, I (nor most athletes) are the true image they portray. For the most part we all have a facade that conveys, calmness, efficiency, strength etc to those watching us. The fact is I am not not always indestructable inside. I, like everyone else, have fears and insecurities that are masked by my alter (fearless portraying) ego. It sounds weird but one thing I do is I attempt to create emotional detachment when I am racing or exercising by hiding my eyes.

My eyes usually show how I am feeling and I don't like having to avoid eye contact when I am racing. I usually wear sunglasses, even when it is not sunny, so that my eyes remain shielded obtaining a little bit of perceived detachment. If you look closely in the picture above you'll see ear plugs in my ears. Cold water gives me headaches so I wear plugs in open water and usually ditch 'em on the bike.

This however "wasn't my day" so I left them in the whole race. I avoided anyone seeing my eyes as well as hearing any of the crowd, my own little (silent) world if you will. I think I do a very good job of hiding all the fears and insecurities through my appearance and actions. Let's face it, I want to be good enough to be taken seriously, good enough to be sponsored, good enough to win, and good enough to be a role model, people don't want to see anyone in those criteria act insecurely. People want role models that "man up." Which is usually what I force myself to do at the races. "Keep your mouth shut, music in your ears and your sunglasses on, and man up."

I debated writing this post, but in light of my most recent tasks of coming back to racing, I found it fitting. I will be honest, I am scared about the race May 30. I have insecurities that I have been built up into this "triathlete" in the eye's of certain people and my level of fitness won't deliver, insecurities about racing too soon and being beaten by people that I wouldn't otherwise be. I have fear that my entourage will label my merits as a triathlete as a "a joke," "disappointing," or "over-hyped," generally associating the "out of shape" me that will be tossed into racing after being hurt all spring.

I am asking for a very demanding task of my body, get race fit in 6 weeks, most people can't do that, I have insecurities that I can't either. I fear that things won't materialize and that my body (literally) won't be able to cash the checks I have written leading up to the race, and there is always insecurities with times when you put yourself in stressful situations. I worry about the thought of my name being 10+ names down the list and people thinking that is my best. I am better than that, and quite frankly, I know a lot of people that I don't want to EVER beat me or be listed ahead of me.

My sunglasses and Hammer Gel visor usually mask my insecurities, but that fear is actually beneficial. It is that fear, fear of being embarrassed, losing etc, that makes me ride my bike into a rain storm instead of turning for home. It is that fear that gets me out of bed at 5 am or keeps me riding my bike long after the fun and comfort are gone. It is that fear that makes me swim alone in open water, the fear of failure shadows any fear of bodies of water. It is that exact fear that grinds out the last lactate interval when all I want to do is quit. It is that fear that is going to take me through the last 30 days until the race nutritionally PERFECT. I want that fear now, during training. The whole thing may be "just a race," and on the grand scale Bryan the triathlete doesn't really matter to 99.9% of the world, but to me, this stuff is big, it's what I do.

Fear has always "driven" me to the start line ready. Come race day, if that fear is still there it means two things: 1. I didn't train diligently or efficiently enough causing doubt in my preparation, and 2 .that I am burning and wasting precious energy on the one aspect that is in my head, not in my muscles. Come race day, no matter what I am actually feeling, I will again portray myself as the confident, calm, efficient person that I always do. NO ONE will see any hint of self doubt or insecurity, just like always. I will again hold off the fear until the swim start. The swim start brings the comfort and finality of being the time to tell your fear to "shut up," because your body will now be doing the "putting up."

It's the emotions that make the challenge and satisfaction of anything, the conquering of doubt that builds you up and allows you to be the best you can. On my next long bike, as I run through my list of insecurities, I need to ask myself, "So what exactly is the problem!?" In fact, there is no problem with being a little scared, and having fear, because in the end it is that fear that will be used to fuel the fire that will absolutely incinerate every bit of my self doubt, one crank revolution and pedal turnover at a time.

Oh Yeah, Now I Remember...

I'm always amazed at how quickly I forget seemingly imperative, critical lessons. After a stint away from triathlon, I had forgotten the most important thing I have ever gained from swimming, biking, and running. I was fortunate enough to be reintroduced to why it is that I do whatever it is I want to do... Some people "ride to live" others "live to ride." I subscribe to the latter.

I love the internal struggle that rages between my mind and body when I am riding on the edge, the edge of fatigue, pain, and suffering. I love (and hate) to enter the "chamber" where a fierce fight of reason versus muscle power rages, a place where breathing becomes sounds of painful anguish and muscles burn with an insurmountable amount of accumulating "H" ions.

I have learned more about myself while riding my bike than any other situation. I have seen my inner strengths on long rides, races, and steep climbs, moments in which my muscles were conveying "stop this hurts, we can't hold this edge anymore," but my mind countered with, "shut your mouth and keep pedaling, we're in the chamber now and you'll listen to me."

It is on my bike that I have met with a version of me I hardly ever see, a version that is 100% fight (vs flight). A version that does not listen to reason, a version that has no doubt in my ability to do what I am about to do, a version that harbors no inhibition to simply let the pace rip and see who's left at the end" (doesn't always work, I've self detonated dozens of times doing it, and no matter how fast I ride someone will always ride faster, but it can pay off big)

I crave the feeling of taking race elements (racers, hills, wind, rough road) as direct personal slights to me. Personal slights that fuel a feeling to creep all the way up on my saddle and channel every ounce of frustration I have ever felt into my bike's crank arms. Every ounce of effort comes out in circular crank turning bursts of a precisely controlled bleed-off of animalistic simplicity...the race waits for no one, get on the pace or get the F outta the way.

I have also met weakness and self doubt in similar situations. Times when I was on the verge, the verge of dropping off the effort or staying in the fight. Backing off the pain subsides but shame awaits. I have been there many times, times when the only thing in my body is the feeling of, "I can't do it..." Times when for whatever reason (flat tires, running off course, wrong turns, knee injuries) I have had success and opportunities taken away in exchange for a general feeling of being robbed, cheated, and entirely too pissed off with triathlon. Triathlon probably wouldn't be what is if it were easy.

Everyone deals with some sort of adversity, it's not a matter of "if" something happens but more so "when and how you deal with it." I was reminded of this through the knee injury, and today as my P3's chain snapped on a climb. Was I mad...you're damn right I was mad! It was this that reminded me of the most important lesson I have ever learned...no matter what happens in training (or the races) it's always better than a "normal" person's day of unchallenged, trans fat filled, comfort-zone existence, a day (of agony or victory) on the bike is a day on the bike. Period.

I Like The New Me...

I have lost contact with the version of me that I was last year at this time. I am a fraction of athlete I was in 2008. In fact, last year if an item did not fit into the list below (swim, bike, run), I frankly did not care about it.

I often catch myself reliving what I was doing in 2008 as far as races and everything. When I look back (with my current perspective) on the way I lived and trained last year it is quite entertaining. I'm always thinking, "I can't believe I did that!" Last summer, I would get up ridiculously early, like 4:30 early so that I could get my run in.

I won't ever forget getting up early on weekend mornings to go ride 100+ miles around the lake, literally spending all day on my bike. Every time I rode around the lake it was like riding in a dream world, smooth road, big hills, flats where I could open up the throttle and let it rip, no cars, green fields, blue water, and sun It was on those days that my day was reduced to simplicity; ride, eat, drink, sleep. On some days I would commute via my triathlon bike the 30 miles one way to work, roll into the audit office in full cycling regalia and be like, "hey." You should have seen the looks...they didn't get it, obviously.

I remember everyday I would be so tired from my schedule that mowing the grass would seem like an insurmountable physical challenge. I would return from my long ride or run and plant my self on the couch, fading in and out of consciousness due to fatigue. I loved that lifestyle at the time though. That seemed normal then. It also seemed normal when I would go open water swimming in Lake Canyon Ferry by myself, before the sun came up. That task would strike paralyzing fear in most people, thinking back my skin crawls with an erie feeling of being completely alone in semi darkness in a huge (20+ mile long) body of water. But at the time I rationalized it as being "what I had to do to win." I didn't over think it, "OMG I'm in 400 feet of water, alone!" I just did it, and loved it. I actually draw a lot of personal strength from things like that.

Bottom line, If I wasn't...

Swimming:




or cycling:




or running:

or sleeping....or thinking about racing...I was totally indifferent. This year, however, is different. I have pursued many new interests and have had more non athletic type fun, after all I have a lot more free time.

Actually, I have had an incredible spring so far, despite not continuously living the usual suspects; swim, bike, run. I am having so much fun in other aspects and areas that are usually less priorities. Like school, I am enjoying my last semester in graduate school, and the upcoming CPA prep, I love that stuff.

I have been hanging out with friends, and even going out to eat. Just last week I had a few meals that I normally wouldn't, I am having some birthday cake tomorrow, and I am so going to enjoy it. Yum! I don't feel bad at all about it. Don't get me wrong I am not abusing my body in any fashion with excess, in fact, cardiovascular wise I may not be where I was last year, but in general overall health I am in much better physical shape. I have been very diligent despite not training triathlon.

Annnnd...I met some incredible people, you know who you are ;) that are so much fun to talk with. I am looking forward to spending more time with those people. I like the current balance that I have achieved. I have started training, carefully, for a few short races. While I may be a different (more matured) person that the 2008 version, I still have that drive to get back into training. However, I will definitely keep my current balance and personal progress of the past adventure... PS I can't wait to reconnect with my "summer (triathlon circuit) friends." Start the countdown.

Pictured Below: Evan "sir excellent" Eck (I gave him that nickname) was 50% of Team Brosious-Eck, a team that was traveling almost every weekend last summer. It was a heck of a year when I look back. Pack, travel, race, repeat. Satisfyingly simple. Fear not my friend, I will return, again, and we will pillage the award ceremonies once again.

It's In Your Head!...Not Your Muscles

My favorite athlete of all time ;) , Carrie, completed her first triathlon on Saturday. She willingly subjected herself to the distortion of my own "this sounds like a good idea" thinking for 14 whole weeks. Now, that is trust. I knew I would be receiving some last minute questions via text, and that she would have a few points at which "I am not doing this," may be said. Carrie, actually handled the whole process and stresses very well. I only remember one text I sent her during a pre race jitters moment..."Carrie, trust me, I am the expert here, you are doing it." By "expert," I actually meant I am just a little crazy, and I know you will absolutely kill it. Which she did.

  I am smiling because Carrie did awesome and allowed me to be part of her Grizzly Triathlon. She is smiling because she just traded in 14 weeks of her life for a few minutes of intense suffering, knowing it was the best investment she has ever made...don't even try to lie. She took the risk to become a triathlete, and it paid off. In anything as grand as this there will be hard times.

The accomplishment wouldn't be worth the time if it were easy. The measure of the accomplishment is not measure by the end result (1000 yds swim, 20K bike, 5k run) but more in the obstacles it took to get to the start line (not the finish line). The hard times are when you have to go to the pool and swim 2000 yds in the dark of morning knowing that after you have to ride your bike in the rain.

She never once complained or asked "why do I have to do this?" My answer would have been, "because I'm your coach and for 14 weeks you are mine, plus I said so, now get swimming." Ha ha totally kidding! I rarely had to encourage her, she was motivated to smash the challenge awaiting her. The race is actually the easy part, the hard part, and the part I respect Carrie for so much, is the part where it came time to figuratively look her fears and doubts square in the eye and say "let's see what happens." That kind of thing is never easy, but just like I always say, "it's always worth it in the end."

The journey to the start line held 98% of the challenges, mental and physical, and most of the satisfaction, but the finish line is where the party is at. I knew that once we finished the training plan the race shifted from a physically dominated challenge to a mental one. "The training is done, now it is in your head...not you muscles." Stamp her legit, she absolutely killed it. She finished the race and is now on to the next one. I know she will eventually forget the pain of the race, but I know she won't ever forget the 14 weeks in 2009 that she had the courage to dream big, believe in herself, and go through a systematic assault on a seemingly insurmountable task.

Well guess what girl, you did, and those kind of accomplishments last forever. Period. Now I have said 20 times that I adore Team Carrie (Carrie's family, fiance` Chris, and friends, they even had signs), but one more time can't hurt. They were absolutely awesome, some of the nicest people I have met. I had a great time spending the day with all of them. For the record I would so eat a chicken burrito-ice cream combo with them, anytime. Even though I could not race, Carrie (including Team Carrie) allowed me to be part of something special. The past 14 weeks have been some of my favorite race memories.

I was given the opportunity to give back to a sport that has given me more than I could ever ask for (except awards, I will never get tired of awards and medals, gimme gimme gimme, kidding!). I appreciate that when Carrie crossed the finish line she allowed me to share in her accomplishment. This is only the beginning, many more adventures to come.

Stamp It...Validated

I have been in this position before...I did not race the Grizzly Triathlon in 2007 because of illotibial band tracking problems in my right knee. I used the feeling of missing out to fuel my subsequent rise from the depth of self pity and sorrow to race in my first men's elite heat in 2008, accomplishing half-decade long dream. Yesterday, I witnessed many of the extraordinarily, yet common to triathlon, moments. I saw people pushing up and through their own limits.

I saw hundreds of faces twisted under the stress and agony of self induced suffering. Shryock's face at the 3 mile mark of the run was indescribable with words, but I knew exactly what he was feeling. I again found myself left out of the race due to recent knee tracking problems (this time in the left knee). I can't accurately convey what I was feeling other than that I felt trapped between two worlds.

The first, a world that I choose to live in (triathlon world), a world that I can excel, relatively, in my own right as a person, and athlete. The second, a world that I am a temporary visitor to, a world that sees life (and racers) passing by. I stood around, in the second world, directing runners, wishing I was in the triathlon world. I came to the conclusion, that I have two choices, stand around (literally) and feel sorry for myself, or use this opportunity to its maximum.

Right now I have the opportunity to better my triathlon racing and fitness, without actually focusing on triathlon. I can explore alternative methods of training, correct my obvious issues and muscle imbalances, build gear bending time trial strength by being very diligent with my weight circuits, and take my nutrition to the next insane level. All of which I am, and have been doing.

In the day to day grind it easy to get caught up in the mindset, "am I the only doing these seemingly crazy things to be or progress as a triathlete?" When you are not surrounded by like minded people that is a come thought. However, at the race everything gets straightened out, priorities re-aligned, motivations restored, commitment renewed. When I as working on the run course I was also asking myself the above question...Hoffman ran by, he does more than me. Jensen, Shryock and Halpin pass, they do it. L'Hueruex runs by, what he does makes my training fall in the "normal range."

The racers that follow them, same M.O. in sports, all validating and reclassifying the once thought "craziness" to normal, systematic, healthy behaviors of a triathlete...of which I will soon returning to. Validated... period. No more questions.